First- I have been contemplating whether or not I should even post this. But with some encouragement from a friend I am going for it. Sorry it is so long.

I have been on a roller coaster ride for about the last 2 months. December 10th (Thursday) marked the first day of a cold. I went home early from work and was just feeling exhausted. Then my nose started to run and my throat started to hurt. AHHHH, no. Will it away. I am not getting sick. Apparently I don’t have as strong of a will as I think because by Friday morning I was sick. I called in sick to work and sat on the couch.all.day. By that night I had a fever of 102 and was just miserable. Clearly not just a cold, but I had the flu. SUPER! I barely slept that night. It could have been a number of factors: the fact that I had to get up 3 times to change my clothes b/c I had sweat through them (remember the fever of 102). Or b/c I was sleeping sitting up so my nose and throat would feel mildly better, or b/c I was so anxious for the next morning.

My period was 4 days late. I was freaking out. I am like clockwork when it comes to my monthly cycles, literally clockwork.

Saturday morning I woke up at my normal 5:30. Quickly opened a pregnancy test so it could test my first pee of the day (they say that is the time when the pregnancy levels are the highest). PREGNANT! Oh my word, I don’t think I was shaking, but close. I was beside myself. Jon was still asleep, so I just kept quiet watching TV until he woke up. Then I told him to go in the bathroom and he saw the test.

*Side Note: Why do people always ask if you told your husband in a creative way? And get disappointed if you don’t? Do you know how I found out I was pregnant? By staring at my pee on a stick. Wow, how creative and romantic. So he wasn’t getting any special treatment, especially since I still had a fever of 102. He gets to see the results the same way I do. He was so excited to see those results though.

I went to see my endocrinologist that morning and he adjusted my thyroid medication immediately. I made my obgyn appt for the following Friday. Everything was moving right along. I didn’t feel any pregnancy symptoms yet. I was too sick to feel them. Was the exhaustion from the flu or the pregnancy? Who knows, but I was stinken beat!!! The entire next week I stayed in bed. I went to the doctor 3 times for my cold/flu. I couldn’t really take any medication b/c of the baby. Children’s Tylenol, seriously? But that’s what the doctor said was ok. Well I downed that stuff in hopes of some relief. The sickness lasted longer then it may have had I not been pregnant. But I eventually got over it, just in time to really start to feel the pregnancy symptoms. And oh man, did they hit me hard!

Christmas night was my first craving. SALT! I needed salt like nobodies business. I was literally going to dump the salt shaker in my mouth, I’m not joking. I heated up some leftover mashed potatoes, added some cheese and dipped tortilla chips in it. Gross, I know. But man, I think I ate that for 3 meals. It hit the spot. This was just the beginning of weird pregnancy food for me. I mean freaking weird. Like I was another person. Seriously, Jon didn’t know what to do with me. And the couple friends that knew, they were just shocked at what I was eating and not eating.

You need to know my previous eating habits to know how much they changed. I had a regimented diet. 2 reasons: 1. to give my body tons of nutrients through food rather then through supplements or vitamins. 2. to stay fit. I won’t lie and pretend I am skinny just by chance. I eat and exercise to stay fit. I love exercising and I love fruits and vegetables, so it works well for me. Here is the general gist of how my diet drastically changed in the matter of days:

New Dislikes: vegetables, water, coffee
Desperately Desire; Chinese food, waffles, fried food, and root beer
Oh, and I HATED being in the kitchen. Just looking at my kicthenaid stand mixer made me queasy. Sure, that sounds a bit dramatic, but looking at it meant using it, which meant cooking, which meant barf. Which meant no blog updates b/c I couldn’t handle cooking or baking. Microwaveable mac and cheese with hot dogs was my new friend, gross, I know.

My eating habits did a complete 180. Which is no wonder why I gained 5 lbs in 3 weeks. Oops. Oh, and I also wasn’t exercising at all b/c I was so tired. I went from running 5 miles a day to walking maybe 3 miles every other day. But I was okay with it b/c I knew it was only temporary, or at least for 9 months.

My food aversions continued. A piece of lettuce on my plate would send me into a dry heave. I have no gag reflex, so I never barfed, just sat there wishing I could b/c I am sure it would have brought some relief. My exhaustion continued. I took lots of naps.

On January 14th we had our second ultrasound. The first ultrasound was the week of Christmas and nothing showed up (nothing meaning they couldn’t see the embryo in the gestational sac yet). We (us and the doctors) just sort of thought it might be too soon to see anything. So during the second ultrasound we were excited but also reserved. I went into pregnancy knowing I was high risk b/c of my thyroid. But I had no signs of miscarriage, so I didn’t think that was a possibility. As the ultrasound progressed and there wasn’t anything in the gestational sac both Jon and I knew something was wrong. He has much more knowledge of how this stuff works then I do. I am so thankful for his knowledge and ability to help me understand things sometimes. When the ultrasound technician said, “let me go show this to the radiologist and see what he says” we knew it wasn’t good. But I didn’t know how bad it was. Jon tried to help me understand based on what limited knowledge he had, but I just couldn’t understand. How can a sac be empty? Is that even possible? I just couldn’t grasp it. We left, heartbroken.

We assumed we weren’t having a baby after all. We didn’t know the medical terms, but we knew when there is no embryo at 9 1/2 weeks along, that is not good and not hopeful. The ultrasound technician didn’t confirm any of this b/c she couldn’t, under doctor’s orders they aren’t allowed to tell us anything. I didn’t have the courage to call it a miscarriage. But in the back of my mind I knew that’s what it was. When we got home I immediately got online to research it. Wow, this is common? And there is even a name for it, ‘blighted ovum.’ It is where the gestational sac grows, but the embryo stops growing very early, within the first couple of weeks. Well, I have my answer.

In some strange way knowing what it was and how common it is comforted me. And I don’t know any other way to put this, but knowing that a baby didn’t have its little heart stop beating inside of me was a huge relief.

Sad. Still we were very sad. But trying to see the positive in it. We can get pregnant. Which to some may not seem like a big deal, but to us was huge news. My Graves Disease put this into question but the question was answered in a great way!

So in the end it sucks, bottom line. NO ONE ever wants to hear that kind of news. And now that I have, I know first hand how painful it is. It literally takes the wind out of you. I also know first hand how important friends, family and community are. I love love love my friends. It is making me cry just thinking about them. They were there for me in a second. I am always hesitant to show how sad I can get. I never want to be ‘that friend’ who burdens them with ALL my problems. But you know what, they want me to. True friends want the good, the bad and the ugly. Life and death. And I have that. And nothing, NOTHING can ever compare to what that means in my life.

I was so nervous to tell my parents. I didn’t want to hurt them. They are so excited for grand kids. Not in a pushy way, but in a supportive, ‘I can’t wait to spoil my grand kids,’ kinda way. And to anticipate seeing the sadness, shock and disappointment on their face made me nervous to tell them. But I did. And man, I have great parents. So great to have them live so close! I can’t wait to give them grand kids to spoil! Soon guys, soon.

We are doing great though. We are excited for the future and hopeful that our family will expand. God has given us strength, peace and patience. All of which were so needed during this time. All of the prayers from our family and friends were felt. Thank you everyone.

This has been the longest blogpost EVER for me. But I had a lot to say. And I may say more about it. Mainly about the freaking random things I ate during the 2 1/2 months of being pregnant (corn dogs with tons of mustard, yum!).

Okay, until my next blogpost about some random food.

I do plan on getting back in the kitchen very soon. :)